Monday, September 21, 2009

i don't need no drama in my life, had enough of you, the things you put me through.

thankyou honor society for the title of this post. so i know i havent written in much lately but i need to know. i just need to write something besides a paper, plus im just frustrated, worried and upset. i know in the past ive written about how my roommate is amazing and all that jazz but lately she hasnt. now i still love her to death but im really worried for her right now. shes having a tough time with classes and i understand that but i really want her to talk to me. she was my first friend and i know what shes going through. having a tough transition from 8th to 9th grade, failing, finding out i had ADD, like everything...i know what shes going through. the past four years for me were a challenge and i learned from them. im really starting to realize it now. i just want her to know that she can talk to me. cry, hug anything. shes not very open about it and its worrying me. now i know that i dont know her all to well yet but i just want to help. i want to help so bad but every time i do it seems like im getting shot down. its just so frustrating. like today i asked joe if he would go sit with her at lunch and just talk things out since hes also a theatre major and he was more than willing. i see later on that kait twittered about joe and christine making her day so much better and blah de blah. i told him to go see her and ill never get credit! i care about her more than most and its like she doesnt know it or doesnt care. maybe im just over thinking this but when shes upset, it brings me down. i do that with alot of people. if people are around me and theyre worried or stressed, upset, anything it seems to rub off on me and effect my mood. i wish i wasnt that way but its just the way it is. i just hope that soon i can sit and talk with her, tell her that things are going to be ok, tell her that if she needs help im here and so are other people. when she says negative things like "i want to drop out""i want to go home""i hate it here" its just....ugh. i know its not because of me but you know this is all new to me too, i havent gotten amazing grades yet but im trying and its still getting used to these new friends, new enviroment, new people and when she says things like that it just brings me down. i want to give her a big fucking hug but she wont let me.
so kait, please girl just let me help you! let me be your friend! talk to me thats what im here for. you dont have to bottle it up. i understand if you want to talk to other people too and thats fine but now i feel left out. sure by the end of this year we might not be each others best friends but i defintely want to be close. i feel comfortable sharing things with you and i want you to feel that way around me too. i know this is a tough time and you may not think that i can help because im not a theatre major and i dont understand but i do. ive been in theatre, i know its stressful and hardwork. ive been through this transition before. going to one school, getting go grades then going somewhere else where its a different environment, different curiculum and youre just so out of whack that you feel hopeless and alone. dear i dont want you to feel that way. you are amazing talented, thats why youre on scholarship, thats why desales accepted you because they saw something in you that other schools didnt. i believe that everything happens for a reason and theres fate, thats why i believe im going to desales. it wasnt my first choice but they chose me for a reason that 8 other schools didnt choose me for. you are beautiful talented and strong and you will get through this, just dont bottle up, itll get you nowhere.

ok wow that was alot. i think im done now because ill probably continue to repeat myself. i know kait will probably never read this but im getting it out anyway. below this is what i sent to kait in a facebook message. it was originally written by the amazing christa black.

you.....yes, you. the one reading this......the one whose eyes are moving across the page..... you....are.....unbelievable. fashioned and created after the most beautiful being in the universe...the God who emanates beauty. if his nature is beauty....and you were created in his likeness, then you...are...beautiful. there's no way you can't be. your smile is just as it's supposed to be. your eyes. the way you talk...the way you move...the way you laugh. you are perfectly created to be just as you are. how narrow-minded are we to believe that only a certain 'look' equals beauty. and who taught us to believe that way in the first place? did you know....that in the 60's, designers decided that since their models were so beautiful and voluptuous that no one was looking at their clothes, they would go to tuberculosis clinics and get walking skin and bone hangers for their clothes to walk down the runway? what was meant to be a ploy to get more people looking at the actual clothes, society twisted into believing that was the new norm as beautiful. who defines your beauty? who decides whether or not you feel beautiful or not? magazines are air brushed perfect. BELIEVE one looks that good in person...and yet, we strive to achieve an impossible that doesn't even exist. until you love yourself...until you look in the mirror and actively choose to CHANGE your mindset about what you see.....others will agree with you. they agreed with me for years until i started to agree with what God said about me.....and dear changed EVERYTHING. you are loved. eternally. you are cherished...always. you're looked at and longed for by your Father who created fact, he's always reaching for you...always running towards you....always hoping you'll take one little moment, and look his way. his heart isn't for you to act a certain way....his deepest desire is for relationship with him....for you to know him...what he likes...what he sounds like...what his laugh is like....what his smile is like..... no matter what anyone else on this earth has told you or is telling you.... you are the point of violent love dying for you....waring for you....praying for you....fighting for you. if no one in your world is fighting for you....there is always one who is. always one who cares. always one who loves... forever. run into his arms.....they're always open, sweet friends.