why am i crying?

like seriously, one minute im fine and the other im shaking in the bathroom in hysterics. what the fuck is wrong with me? Kait and some girls just went to Lehigh for a party and did i go? of course not. now in my defense my stomach does feel like shit after all i ate tonight but i still could have sucked it up. i think im scared. more scared than i ever thought i was. my first week of college has been fine but i want it to be over now. i guess seeing my parents today made this harder too. i just...i dont know what the fuck is going on with me right now. its like..i felt ready for this...like i was handling it well and now..i just cant stop crying. i wish i could just change. be confident and not scared of anything. I'm always scared to take any kind of risk. i want to be safe. staying in my room tonight with my computer is safe. going out to a party on a different campus is not. im so worried for them. will they be ok? will they get there and back alright? i couldnt give a concrete reason as to why i didnt want to go and the real reason is because im scared and i dont know if i truly trust them yet. driving in the dark to a college where we know no one and just walking into a party with alcohol and shit. i just...no. im going to be a hermit for the rest of my life just like my mom says.
i cant handle this
i cant
right now i just want to go home and hug my parents and my dog
please make me stop crying
please

i leave tomorrow.

and i dont think its sunk in yet. i mean i dont think it ever will. in my mind it will probably be like one long vacation. that always happens to me. i dont realize things have happened until they are over and i hate it.
anyway, i just finished packing. well hopefully i have everything. i know that im not that far away but i still dont want to forget everything. i have so many bags. i hope everyone has just as much shit as i do. i know i tend to overpack but i thought i did pretty well with the clothes. i really made sure to go through and pack only what i knew i would wear or need.
Ok so I was just texting Kait and she said she wanted to be mentioned in this blog. Well that shall be done!
What to say about Kait. I know that we havent officially met yet but I love the girl to death. I really hope we get along just as well in person. I know Meredith got really annoyed when I said that I finally found the person who shares my brain but you know what she has to deal. I love her but she needs to realize that I have other friends. I know we're close but we're not as close as like Katy and Torrey for instance. Those two actually do share a brain. When I video chatted with Kait...for over 3 hours...we were so much alike that it was starting to scare me. I honestly can't wait to meet her. I can't wait to chat about everything and decorate our room together. I know a part of me is scared for college but with Kait by my side I know now that I can make it through.

Wow i got sentimental there for a second. Like I said I dont think its hit me that tomorrow ill be leaving my house and not coming back for like 2 months. I'm going to miss my room and my privacy but at the same time college will be a good time for me to grow the hell up. I know ive matured alot over the past 4 years but I know that i still need to make some major progress. I need to get my butt in gear and actually work in school. I want to blow my parents out of the water by making good grades. I cant be lazy, i just cant. I really want to do well and improve. I want to be confident and brave and be able to approach people. I want to just be older and more responsible. I just hope that I dont sink back into my "just getting by" phase again.

Sigh we'll have to see how it all works out. I mean, new school, living on my own, boys...its going to be alot to handle but I hope I dont have a repeat of 9th grade. I'm stronger now and this is just more of the learning process.

Well until next time. Hopefully ill remember to write again about my experiences of moving in and getting used to college life.
toodles.

fashion.

so tonight made me realize something, how much i love fashion. my only follower and my awesome friend katie was showing me all her blogs and things that she followed and it just got me thinking. ive always loved fashion and when I was younger I tried to design my own things but i could never get it right. im not that great at drawing and my proportions were never right. i tried sewing but I got half a dress done. i feel like when i was younger i really just wanted to fit in so i wore what other people wore. for instance, in middle school I was all about LILY. the pearl neclaces, the hair to the side. i look back and all i can do is gag at myself. that wasnt me. it was me trying to fit in and be "preppy" thank god i got out of that phase. now the past few years i havent been able to explore fashion because of wearing a uniform all the time. ive always loved shopping and looking at clothes but when i would buy things they werent special. it was usually like tshirts and jeans. nothing special. over the past 2 years i feel like ive really come into my own in terms of fashion. it started more during the summer when i was able to search and buy more since i wasnt wearing a uniform. i realized how much i love dresses. theyre simple and comfortable. i realized how much i hated skinny jeans and how they cut off the circulation to my knees. and yet i love them at the same time because regular flare jeans just dont look right on me. its just lately ive felt the need to be more out there. im tired and this blog is probably not making sense and i cant find the right words. its just i know i still have a long way to go in terms of finding my style but i know ive been evolving. i want to be unique and different, have my own style. my biggest inspiration is demi lovato. seriously i want to raid that girls closet. shes girly, but bold and feminine but quirky. she can be complete and totally rockstar punk but its very girly at the same time. it just...all her clothes fascinate me.
ok so this blog has gone completely off track and i didn't say half of what i wanted to say. but at any rate i know i have a long way to go but i feel like im finally becoming myself. i love to try new things with fashion and i love learning about it. i kind of hope one day that i get a job writing for a fashion magazine. i look in my closet and although sometimes i feel as if i have nothing to wear i know i can always put something on and people can look at me and say "thats so you". when someone says that, it makes me truly happy.

a week from today I move in.

So true its almost 2 in the morning but it is a fact...a week from today I move into college. Isn't that a scary thought? A year ago at this time I was looking at colleges thinking who the hell is going to accept this failure. Well DeSales you are truly a godsend. I couldn't ask for a more amazing college. I truly believe it is fate this bringing me to DeSales. When I go there I feel comfortable, at home. The people are so kind and I'm actually rather excited to move in. I'm ready to decorate the room and get situated. I can't wait to meet Kait, only the best roommate in the world. Well I'm assuming. Again with the fate. She found me and we've hit it off ever since. I hope that everything goes just as smoothly once we move in and actually get to know each other.

This summer has been going by so quickly. At graduation I felt like i had a while until I really had to worry about school again. Now its creeped up on me. I can't believe I'll be back to studying and writing papers soon. The idea disgusts me but it will be interesting to go to different classes at a different school. I know its college but I'm hoping its not super hard. I know my parents want high grades first semester and I'm not guaranting anything but I do want to get my ass in gear and actually work. I just have to figure out how I'm actually going to do that.
Also, meeting new people. I wonder how its going to go. I honestly don't remember that whole process at RPCS. I just...had friends. I dont really remember where or how I met them and such. It was like I was friends with them from the start. I hope I'm able to find a good group of people at DeSales.

Well I had a list in my mind about what I was going to write about and then it just went poof. I hope to keep this blog up more. I think it helps with my writing and just getting things out. Until next time my lovelies.

wow i should really start blogging again.

Wow excuse me while I wipe the dust off this blog. I'm sorry for ignoring it for so long but after I didn't need to be bored anymore I just forgot about it. Usually sitting in the library at school made me write out everything on this blog but that hasnt happened lately.
So I have a feeling that Meredith will stop talking to me soon. that means I'll go to bed. I will definitely update with details of all my summer adventures. Its alot to blog about but I will do it.
my life is good right now and i couldnt be happier.
toodles.